Her Mistake, Her Burden
by Sg1Trooper
Summary: Her mistake almost cost her more then she can bare.


hello all new fic Carter Centered but team is included contains Sam  
angst so you've been warned.

**_Her mistake, Her Burden_**

You wake in a cold sweat screaming out their names.

You're room is empty; the only noise you hear is your own deep  
breathing.

You try and calm yourself, trying to shake the images from your head  
but it is no use. It's not the first time this has happened.

You fling off the soaked tank top and get out of bed cursing yourself  
for feeling like this.

The darkness is terrifying and you realize you're afraid and switch  
on a light.

You search the room for signs of someone else's presence but you know  
no one is there.

You sit back on your bed and grip the ends.

You promised yourself the last time this happened it would be the  
last time.

You bite your lip and realize the last time was yesterday.

These dreams had become more frequent since you had returned from  
PX5345.

You cringe when you remember what had happened there.

You take a deep breath but its no use, the tears start to fall and  
your body is racked with sobs.

You had almost lost all of them there. They had trusted you to find a  
way home and you had almost killed them all in the process.

They did not blame you but you blamed yourself.

You were set to be the hero again but instead, almost cost them their  
lives. If you had not realized that the timer was off they would have  
perished.

One single mistake and the three most important men in your life  
would have been lost.

You had yelled at them to run but they did not make the clearing.  
After the explosion you ran to see if they were still alive.

You screamed out their names.

That cry still rings in your ears, haunts your night.

When you found them motionless you dropped to your knees and prayed  
to god they had not been taken from you.

You learned to breathe again when you heard Daniel moan.

You start to dig him out of the debris and find Teal'c covering him.  
You feel for his pulse and it is there; you whispered your thanks to  
god.

You free them both and turn to your CO.

He has not stirred. A gash is evident on his fore head and you pull  
out a bandage from your pack to stop the bleeding.

There is not enough time.

The explosion has alerted the other Jaffa to your presence. They will  
be coming soon; you have to move.

You shake him to wake but he does not respond.

You yell at him to wake but he does not comply.

You wipe the tears from your face and start to get up; you need  
help. You need back up.

The gate is not far.

You could radio for a med team and reinforcements.

You are torn as to what to do.

You decide to go and get help.

You tell them you'll be back.

But that was your fatal mistake.

You didn't go back.

You left them behind.

**PT2**

You left them behind.

You hold back the bile that has started to rise in your throat.

The nightmare is still here even when you are awake.

You swallow the bile and grip the bed

You hold back the scream that is threatening to come out.

You don't like losing control but since that fateful mission you had  
seen it spiral out of your grasp.

This nightmare had not let go, it continued to haunt your sleep and  
now your waking hours.

You bow your head and pull at the covers around you. When would  
things go back to normal?

You remember telling them you'd be back, that you were going to get  
help and to hold on.

They didn't acknowledge you, trapped in the slumber that you had put  
them in.

You ran to the gate never turning back, never realizing the danger of  
leaving them behind.

You saw the gate and relief overcame you.

Thinking in minutes help would arrive and you'd be getting them home.

The DHD lit up as you pressed the symbols and the wormhole stabilized  
as you punched in your GDO code. You started transmitting to the  
General that your team was down, that Jaffa were all around you and  
you needed help.

He acknowledged and said he'd have a med team there in minutes.

You remember feeling the relief of knowing they would be saved.

You were about to answer when the first sharp pain tore through your  
shoulder.

You screamed out in pain and fell onto the DHD.

General Hammond's frantic call asking if you were alright still rings  
in your ears.

You turned and started to fire at the Jaffa that were almost upon  
you. There were too many of them; you yell for help as the wormhole  
disengages. You fall behind the DHD for cover and continue to fire.

You need to get back to them.

Your pain is not an issue. If they die, it will be your fault. If  
they die, the pain you feel now will not compare to the pain of  
burying them and you being left alone.

You left them behind to fend for themselves your mind screams.  
Knowing you had violated your teams motto.

No one gets left behind.

You throw grenades and take out half of the platoon. They were  
careless and thought you were not a threat.

You continue to shoot but it is no use and they pin you down.

You try to make it back to your team but are stopped.

You are hit again and cry out in pain.

You try to fight the darkness that is trying to engulf you.

**Pt 3**

You look and the Jaffa keep coming.

You're injured by you hold it together knowing you have to go back  
and get your team to safety. They are vulnerable and if they die it  
will fall on your conscious you've committed the worse error in  
combat.

You left them behind! The soldier in your brain screams.

You were going for help the rational side of your brain screams back.

It doesn't matter now; if the Jaffa found them, then they are  
captured or worse, dead.

You snap out of your thoughts and recognize your room.

You wrap your arms around you as the chill settles into your body.

You stand and try to block out that day but it' s no use.

You failed, the soldier part of your brain screams at you now.

You accept this. You did fail; you broke the number one rule of your  
team.

You left, not one but all of your teammates behind.

You look out the window and see the rain start to fall.

You lean your head onto the cold glass.

You know what you have to do to find peace tonight.

You turn to pull out a pair of sweats from the drawer and grab your  
oversized sweater.

You walk down the darkness of the hall and grab your keys and purse.

You open the door just as the rain starts to fall harder and the wind  
picks up.

The cold chill doesn't affect you.

You have a mission to complete or your sanity will be lost.

**Pt 4**

The streets are empty; who would be out on a night like this?

You grip the wheel of your car.

You would, you have no choice, if you do not do this you will not get  
any sleep and you would lay awake wondering.

It has become a ritual since that day.

You have to do this, you will not feel at ease until it is done.

You turn your car towards your first stop and fight the losing battle  
of remembering what happened after you had failed them.

Back to that dreadful day.

You had made it back alive.

So had your team, no thanks to you, your mind keeps screaming, you  
left them behind.

The thought that they had almost died for your mistake made such an  
impact on you that you considered resigning.

You remember trying to wake, you remember bolting straight up and  
screaming out their names.

Strong, gentle hands held you down and then sedated you after you did  
not believe Janet when she assured you that they were safe but in  
another room. You continued to struggle, reopening your wound and  
finally having to be restrained.

Tears slide down your face, your struggling stops as the darkness  
takes you once again.

You remember waking and feel the guilt weigh heavily on you.

You had left them behind; would they forgive you? How had they  
survived the Jaffa attack?

You turn to see Teal'c looking at you. You whisper sorry and he  
cocks his head to one side and asked why you are apologizing.

You blurt out for leaving them behind to the mercy of the Jaffa.

He assured you that he would have done the same and you did the right  
thing.

You ask how they had eluded the Jaffa and he explains he had woken  
and hid them from the approaching Jaffa.

He was more concerned that you had been lost to them.

When he had woken and not seen you close by he had assumed the worst  
and did not know how he was going to break the news to the rest of  
your team.

You whisper that you were not worth worrying over. That you had  
broken their team's number one rule.

He tries to reassure you but you change the subject and ask about the  
colonel and Daniel.

He tells you that they are not as badly hurt as you had thought only  
cuts, bruises and two concussions.

They are more concerned about you.

You have received the brunt of the injuries but you don't care.  
Knowing you deserved what the Jaffa had inflicted on you.

You turn away and say you are tired not wanting to speak to Teal'c  
any longer. You know he holds you responsible but is too proud to  
point out your mistakes.

He abides by your wishes and leaves; you wallow in your grief knowing  
your team will never be the same.

**Pt 5**

You swallow the lump in your throat knowing the grief would never  
release you. The guilt of leaving them behind had taken a life of its  
own. You never rest now knowing they might be in danger if you did  
not check to see if they are safe.

You grip the wheel and press on the gas.

The faster you get this done, the quicker you will find your peace.

You arrive at Daniel's place and sneak in.

It's easy to get in and out of that place without him knowing; he  
could sleep through anything.

You make it into his bedroom and he is sleeping. Well, actually  
snoring, he had been at the SGC for two days straight and had to be  
escorted off the base to get some descent sleep.

You smile; he is safe. No danger is evident.

You move to the living room and stare at the pictures on the mantle.

You trace the frame of each one of them. You bit your lip and hold  
back the tears. Those were the days they had faith in you, the days  
they trusted you, the days you had never failed them.

You hold the frame of your team and suddenly you feel alone.

What would have happen if Teal'c had not woken? If the Jaffa had  
captured them or if they had not survived the explosion?

You are not allowed to share these memories any longer; you are not  
allowed to have them care for you.

You put the frame back and head for your car.

You get in and head for your next destination.

You remember waking and having them all around you. You burst into  
tears and begged them for forgiveness.

Daniel was at your side asking you to stop crying and saying that no  
forgiveness is needed. The colonel stares at you and doesn't say a  
word. You know he blames you for his brush with death.

You wait for him to condemn you for failing to keep them safe. But he  
just takes your hand and whispers that you did the right thing in  
leaving them behind. You yank your hand from his grasp and yell at  
him that he does not have to lie, that you had broken the number one  
rule of their team.

No one gets left behind.

He shakes his head and Teal'c comes to stand next to him. They try  
and convince you that you did the right thing.

They pity you and you hate them for it.

You say you are tired and they leave but the colonel stays behind.  
You wait for his assault; you deserve the stinging words of hate that  
will come from him. He had been left behind once before and it had  
nearly destroyed him. You would not say a word, deserving anything  
he might say.

He takes an envelope from his pocket and you recognize it.

You had written it out days before asking to be reassigned or you  
would hand in your resignation.

He tore it in half and said that you had to stop doubting your  
decision. You had done the right thing.

You blurt out what would he have done and he does not answer.

You know you have disappointed him. This is something you cannot live  
with.

He says he will not let you go; that you are a vital part of his team.

He does not leave till you agree, you nod your head and he is content.

He doesn't know that you will not forget what you have done. That he  
has condemned you into living the nightmare over and over again.

**Pt 6**

The nightmares began that night.

Never doing enough to keep them safe, never being there for them.

They said you made the right decision, you disagreed; you left them  
behind.

So now you must keep a constant vigil, you swore you would never let  
them down again.

You take out the disposable cell phone and dial.

Teal'c picks it up after the second ring.

He was sleeping and you had woken him.

Teal'c sleeps more now that he no longer carries a symbiote.

When you do not answer he is irritated and begins to yell at you for  
not answering.

Well, yell at you for waking him but he doesn't know it's you since  
you did not identify yourself.

He starts a tirade but you don't wait.

You hang up and sigh with relief he is safe back in the mountain.

No one can get in and harm him; he is safe.

One more stop and you will find rest.

**Pt 7**

You continue to your final destination.

You look at the time and sigh.

You contemplate not going to check on him but know you will follow  
through.

You will not rest and that is something you desperately needed.

It will be difficult.

The rain opened up and it is hard to maneuver on the wet pavement.

You park and have to walk the rest of the way.

You curse yourself for forgetting the umbrella.

You know it will be difficult, you remember almost getting caught the  
last time you had attempted this.

The only thing saving you was that he was inebriated.

You put your training into action.

You use the backdoor to get in but take off your shoes to make it  
easier to get around. You have to remember to wipe up the mess before  
leaving.

You make it in with ease.

No signs of the Colonel, which could be good or bad.

You start to panic as you make your way to his room.

What if he isn't here?

What if he has been taken?

What if you have failed him again? The dream could have been a  
premonition of sorts and you have failed your team again.

You rush to his door and push it slightly open.

The bed is empty.

You close your eyes and open them hoping it is an illusion, that he  
is where he is supposed to be, asleep in his bed but no, he is not  
there. You see only the covers tossed to the side and his slippers  
on the floor.

You listen for noises coming from the bathroom and hear none.

Maybe he's in the living room.

You make your way back to it and see the couch empty.

You're about to lose it when someone tackles you from behind.

You fall to the floor, the colonel's abductors are still here and you  
start to fight.

You will not go down without a fight but it is no use, your captor is  
twice as strong as you. You continue to struggle, calling out the  
colonel's name and asking his forgiveness for failing him.

Your captor stops and whispers, "Carter."

You stop and stiffen when you realize who it is that tackled you.

He turns you toward him and you see him.

He asks what you are doing in his home, sneaking around at 4 in the  
morning.

You are relieved he is safe, that you did not fail him.

He sees your relief and lets you go.

You start to shake, the cold and this whole situation has finally  
caught up to you.

You will have to answer for what you have done.

**Pt 8**

He pulls you to the couch and you don't put up a fight.

He gives you a towel but you don't move.

So he sits next to you and starts to dry your hair.

You look at him while he is doing this and wonder why he would make  
the effort.

You are no longer worthy of his concern.

You start to shiver and your teeth start to chatter.

He's staring at you and cursing. You look down to what he's staring  
at and see your clothing is soaking wet.

He pulls you up and takes you to his room.

He orders you to strip and gives you a pair of his pajama bottoms and  
his air force sweatshirt. He tells you to bring the wet clothes with  
you when you are done dressing.

He leaves you and you do as your told, like a good soldier.

You fold up the bottoms and the sleeves to the shirt.

You know he is going to want answers and you will tell him.

You will tell him everything.

He will think you unfit to be on his team and it will be done, over,  
finished.

You will miss them all but it is for the best.

Maybe the nightmares will cease.

**pt 9**

You take your wet clothing and walk down the hall to the kitchen.

He is there on the phone.

He must have called Janet to get the rubber room ready for you.

Your conduct is not befitting that of an officer tonight.

He turns when he feels your presence and hangs up the phone.

He walks towards you and takes your wet clothing then puts it in the  
dryer.

You don't sit not knowing if he will take you home now or if he wants  
you to wait for the men in white coats.

He walks back to the kitchen and sees you still standing.

You see the concern on his face and turn away.

He comes over and hands you a cup of coffee and orders you to drink.

You take the cup but your hands are shaking so much that it sloshes  
out of the cup and burns your hands.

You drop the cup and try to jump back.

He stops you from falling and pulls you towards him.

The glass shatters and so does your control.

You start to cry and he holds you.

You don't let go and he just rubs your back and whispers that all  
will be fine. That he is there to help you.

He picks you up and takes you to the couch but you don't let go.

This is the first time you have felt safe since the mission.

He sits you on his lap and you hide in the crook of his neck.

He waits patiently for you to speak.

You take a deep breath and start to gather yourself then pull away.

This must be said.

He calls out your name.

You take his hand and tell him everything.

You tell him about your fears.

You tell him about the anguish you felt when you were shot and unable  
to go back and save them.

You tell him about the guilt and how they should shun you for leaving  
them behind.

You tell him about the nightmares; how they had started off  
sporadically and now where a constant in your sleep.

You tell him about your ritual and how you had sneaked into Daniels  
place to make sure that he was safe. How you called Teal'c to hear  
that he was fine and finally, how you had sneaked into his home or  
spied on him through a window to reassure yourself that no harm had  
come to him.

You are crying through this confession and he gently wipes the tears  
from your face when you stop to catch your breath.

When you are done you are exhausted and wait to see what he will say.

He stares at you and looks like he wants to slay the dragon that has  
been tormenting you.

He whispers why didn't you come to him for help.

You answer that you thought you had it under control and that you did  
not want to be a burden.

He cups your face in his hands and whispers that you could never be a  
burden to him and that he is sorry for not seeing that you were still  
hurting from that mission.

You tell him he should not be sorry; that you had given him no reason  
to believe all was not well.

He squeezes your hand and says that all your doubts are unwarranted;  
that all you had to do was reach out and he would have helped.

You blurt out that he had never left anyone behind and wouldn't  
understand that he couldn't help.

He shook his head and asked how could you be sure that he had never  
left anyone behind?

You are stunned as he recites the names of people he'd left when one  
of his orders or his ideas did not pan out.

He speaks the names of dead comrades he had to leave behind and how  
it is a burden that he has learned to live with.

You say you don't know if you can live with the fact that you might  
have been the cause of your team's death; that your black widow's  
streak still seems to be in place.

You try to rise, needing space but he will not let you go.

You panic and start to struggle.

He will not let you and says that you cannot run away. That your team  
needs you, that he needs you.

He pleads with you not to shut him out; that he knows how guilt can  
consume someone's soul.

He offers you his help and finally, you agree.

He asks when the last time you slept was and you shrug your shoulders.

He pulls you up from the couch and takes you to his bedroom.

He pulls down the covers and you snuggle in.

You confess that you would sleep better with him next to you.

He complies and pulls you into his arms.

You are content; knowing that your team is safe and you are going to  
get through this with the help of him and your team. You will  
survive, you will all survive and the nightmares will be over.

You sigh and wait knowing life is not that easy. That it will take  
time but with his help and love the nightmares would leave you alone  
till you make another mistake.


End file.
